Climbing Mount Everest: The Trek from Garage to Kitchen in 12 Easy Steps

As with anything involving an inquisitive toddler, planning the day can be quite a challenge. Some days, for instance, I have to weigh the necessity of food shopping against the challenge of carting a toddler and a baby to the grocery store. Often I wonder, do we really need to eat that badly? Other times, I know I'd better get the toddler to the park, or the circles he's running in the living room will be permanently tattooed into the carpet. But wherever I go, I know I have to keep a little bit of energy in reserve, because a new adventure begins when the car ride home ends. Now, you wouldn't think that climbing twelve steps would require a 12-step process, but if I had to leave instructions for someone else to accomplish this seemingly simple feat, they might look something like this:

1. Park car. Close garage door so that toddler does not bolt the moment he is outside of the vehicle, heedless of weather, other vehicles, and protestations of one or both parents/adults/caregivers.

2. Walk to other side of car, open rear door. Empty the toddler's hands and lap of the three toys, four books, two pairs of sunglasses, blanket, and any other items necessary for a car ride exceeding 2 minutes. Unbuckle car seat.

3. Catch toddler as he does his escape slide, melting over the edge of the seat and slipping his arms out of the straps as he oozes toward the floor in an effort to evade capture; grab him quickly before he makes for the front of the car.

A. If you catch him, yay! If not (more likely), run to a front door and make a mad-dive attempt to capture him before he switches every switch, turns every knob, and presses every button in under four seconds flat.

B. Pray that the next time you turn on the car, you don't

* Blow an eardrum from the radio,

*Toast your buns on the heated seats while getting blasted by the arctic chill of the A/C that is now pointing directly in your face,

*Slam your knees on the steering wheel that's three inches from the edge of the driver's seat, or

* Get strangled by the seat belt which has somehow become wrapped around the headrest. Twice.

4. Deposit toddler in garage and instruct him to enter the house.

5. Start to open the other rear door to get baby brother, but get distracted when toddler makes for the tool bench/lawnmower/gas can/oil pan/ice melt/snow shovel/trash can, and run to catch toddler again.

6. Deposit toddler directly inside of basement door then a) distract with promises of junk food or b) threaten a time out, and go and get baby brother. Run.

7. Return with baby brother and begin to herd toddler up the stairs. (Is it "herding" if it's only one? What if it just feels like six?)

8. Put down baby brother's car seat as toddler dashes for the boiler room instead of up the stairs, chase and catch toddler, re-deposit at base of stairs, then block him with car seat and diaper bag. Repeat step 6a or 6b.

9. Follow him up the stairs. He will go up about three, and you two, before he stops short and sits down for a rest. With your arm about to be wrenched from its socket by the 30 plus pounds of baby and car seat, try not to scream as you ask him to "please keep going up the stairs, I'm asking you nicely." (Because that will really make a difference...) Repeat request eight times with your voice rising in volume and desperation at each repetition.

10. At the top of the stairs, reach around toddler to open the doorknob that he has suddenly and inexplicably forgotten how to operate ("Mommy, I need help!) and "nudge" him gently with the car seat as you try not to stumble through on top of him.

11.Quickly grab the child-proofed interior door knob and slam door shut before dog runs down the stairs, taking you and the baby with him. Wonder for the 800th time why you didn't just make two trips.

12. Pray you remembered to close and latch the gate at the foot of the stairs to the second floor before you left the house. If not...well...that's another adventure for another time...

It just seems like getting from the garage to the kitchen with a toddler and a baby is harder than climbing Mount Everest some days...

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Does anyone else have a routine like this?

DIY Home Remedies: Just Don't

Lately I've noticed a lot of articles and commercials on how to "Do It Yourself" to save money, or how to use "Home Remedies" instead of filling your body with drugs and dangerous chemicals. Some of these ideas seem feasible. Like, olive oil is great for dry skin, and eating fruit will keep you regular (or yogurt - thank you, Jamie Lee). Others seem questionable but worthy of a trial, like sucking on a lemon to assuage motion sickness. But some of them, effective or not, they just ain't gonna happen. For instance, the other day I read an article about '20 DIY Home Health Remedies', and number 5 was an Elmer's Glue facial to remove dead skin and blackheads. And though I enjoyed letting school glue dry on my fingers and peeling it off like dead skin to freak out other kids when I was in grade school, I think I'll pass on this one. It sounds about as enticing as 'bonding' to me. Don't know what 'bonding' is? Allow me to enlighten you by way of this anecdote:

When I was in college, I took a job as an overnight camp counselor. My campers were 15 and 16, making us close enough in age that they didn't even pretend to see me as an authority figure. This disregard led to all kinds of tomfoolery and shenanigans (I know, same thing, but they're fun to say...also dirigible, horse-feathers, phlebotomist and rutabaga). Fun kids - I came back to the bunk one night after lights-out, and melted a flip-flop trying to suffocate a candle that had escaped their control. Good times.

One afternoon, I came upon a few of these lovelies sitting outside the cabin in a circle with strange smiles on their faces. When I asked them what they were doing, they replied, "Bonding!" *Giggle giggle*. I kept walking, aware that I was missing something, but they were sitting quietly (for them), and keeping out of trouble (for once), so I left them alone.  I related this strange encounter to a fellow counselor who was in the know and she filled me in. 'Bonding' is when a group of girls hangs out together after sprinkling Gold Bond Medicated Powder, the mentholated kind, on their vajayjays. Ever get that tingly feeling? Soooooo glad I asked.

Anyhow, though 'bonding' and Elmer's facials may have their a-peel (see what I did there?), I think I'll find my masks and happy tingles elsewhere. And while we're at it, here's a list of 8 other Bizarre Home Cures That Work from www.prevention.com that I have no intention of trying:

1. Vodka For Foot Odor

Why:  If you wash your feet in vodka it will dry them out and act like an antiseptic, eliminating fungus and bacteria that cause bad odors.

Why NOT: Ummm...alcohol abuse, a.k.a. wastefulness. There's only one good use for vodka in my book, and that is taken orally in appropriate quantities. This, unfortunately for me, is none right now, as I have a milk parasite. And I probably will for another 5 months until his first birthday.

2. Ice Cream for Pizza Burns

Why:  There are only a few millimeters of tissue on the roof of your mouth, so it is highly sensitive to hot foods, like scalding pizza cheese. Ice cream will sooth it and cool it off.

Why NOT: First, der?! Putting something cold on a burn, genius! Why didn't I think of that! Oh, wait, I did. I call it 'ice'. Great invention. Can be found in most local freezers. Secondly, if I ever say, "Ouch! I burned myself on my pizza! I need ice cream," just take it as my incredibly subtle (think nympho in a produce aisle) way of saying I'm off my diet. Which you probably should have figured out when I started scarfing the still-too-hot pizza. Because really, this excuse isn't fooling anyone.

3. Listerine for Blisters

Why: Like the vodka on foot fungus, Listerine is both an antiseptic and a drying agent. When dabbed on a blister 3 times a day, it will help it dry out and heal faster.

Why NOT: Because, knowing me, I'll start calling it 'Blisterine', and who wants to use a mouthwash called 'Blisterine'? That's fucking disgusting.

4. Licorice for Calluses and Corns

Why: The "estrogen-like" substances in licorice soften hard skin like corns and calluses when mixed with petroleum jelly and applied as a paste.

Why NOT: My dog has a foot-licking fetish. It's not a sexual fetish, or a doggy turn-on, he just really seems to like the taste of feet. And as I've mentioned in past writings, dog-lick smells like fish rot, so as cute as it is, no, I don't encourage this behavior. He does not need additional motivation to lick my feet; I'm not going to marinate them.

5. Duct Tape for Warts

Why: The tape has chemicals that will suffocate and kill the wart. It is 15% more effective than freezing them off, according to one study.

Why NOT: I watched MacGyver for 7 years. In that time, he managed to find nearly every use for duct tape imaginable. Not once in 139 episodes did he use it to remove a wart. Therefore, I call shenanigans!

6. Tennis Balls For Achy Feet

Why: If you roll the arches of your feet over the ball, it will relieve pain.

Why NOT: Have you ever tried rolling a tennis ball underfoot repeatedly in the presence of a frisky 75 pound black lab? Good luck with that.

7. Sugar for Hiccups

Why: It's believed that sugar modifies the nerve muscles that instruct the diaphragm muscles to spasm.

Why NOT: Duuuuuuhhhhhh! Everyone knows, the correct way to get rid of hiccups is to gurgle a tablespoon of water and spin counter-clockwise 3 times while hopping on one foot, with one fingertip touching the top of your head, and the other hand fending off your dog who is on his hind legs, pouncing at you and trying to join in your dance.

8. Baking soda for Urinary Tract Infections

Why: Higher alkalinity makes it harder for bacteria to multiply, and drinking water mixed with the correct amount of baking soda makes the "bladder environment" more alkaline.

Why NOT: My vagina is not a swimming pool. I will not be dipping a test strip and balancing its alkalinity. Wouldn't that be a fun trip to the pool supply store?

Me: Excuse me, I need some pH Up...? 

Clerk: Sure! What size swimming pool? 

Me: Uhhhh...

Yeah, I can wait for a trip to the doctor, thank you very much.

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 I'm not sure how this post went from "Don't DIY" to "Here are some 'ways not to encourage my dog', and 'things I won't put in my hoo-hah' ", but there ya have it. How about you? Would you try any of these?

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Disclaimer: Please keep in mind I found this shit on the internet. That means that a) it might work, b) it might not work, or c) it might cause your skin turn green, your cookie to seal up, your dog to run away and your boss to fire you. In other words, don't try it because you saw it here. 

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  References:  http://www.prevention.com/health/natural-remedies/19-bizarre-home-cures-work

It's a Hat!

I took AJ for a haircut today. He wasn't thrilled to be there, so I distracted him with a game of "It's  a Hat!" (I put his foot, a mitten, a sticker, etc. on my head and say "It's a hat!" And he yells, "Noooooooo! It's a [shoe, mitten, sticker, etc.]" I express dismay and apologize, then we move on to the next item.)

The stylist, after being subjected to this and other routines, asked if I was a preschool teacher. "Oh, god no." I don't have the patience needed for that. "I just have the mentality of a two year old, so it all works out."

By the way, the stylist was wonderful - Jennie at Creative Textures. She took me - a new customer - with an hour's notice, charged $10, and gave him the best haircut he's ever gotten. She's there Wednesdays and Thursdays. Bye-bye Kingdom Cuts and Snippets! (Thanks for the recommendation, Sandy!)

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Have you ever gotten complimented for your goofiness?

How's Larry?

My phone rings.

Me: Hi Mom.

Mom: Hi. What was the name of that website you were telling me about?

Me: The website?

Mom: Oh, forget it, I just remembered. Okay. That was it.

Me: Okay. Why'd you want to know?

Mom: I'm talking to Larry and I wanted to tell him.

Me: Oh...Okay...Bye.

20 minutes later I call her back...

Me: Are you still talking to Larry?

Mom: Yes.

Me: Oh, okay. Call me back when you're done.

20 minutes later she calls back...

Me: Hi.

Mom: What's up?

Me: Are you done talking to Larry?

Mom: Yes. Why?

Me: WHO THE HELL IS LARRY?

Bundle This

This is simple and brilliant and falls in the category of “duh, why didn't I think of that” as well as under the heading of ” how to not spend $25-$45 on something that could have just cost you about $6.”

JC (5 months) had a J.J. Cole Bundle Me in his car seat (if you aren't a parent, or live in a warm climate, think sherpa sleeping bag for a car seat). Since he is a super-sized baby (100th percentile in weight, 98th in height, about the size of your average 12-18 month old) I could no longer squeeze his adorable chubby arms through the straps with this thing installed. Why not use a blanket, you ask? He kicks them off or pushes it down with his hands. A jacket? There’s the whole compression safety issue, not to mention the PITA of taking it off and putting it on with every location change, which can be frequent when traveling with two kids. I got this solution from a member of my local MOMs Club who got it from the Boston Babywearers.

Step 1: Go to fabric store and buy a yard of fleece. ($6-7)
Step 2: Fold in half. Cut a 6-inch hole in fleece.
Step 3: Insert baby’s head in fleece.
Step 4: Take pictures of cozy happy baby and send to friends and relatives. Send me a copy of photo.

Additional tips:
1. For extra cuteness: add hat
2. For toddlers: unfold doubled over fleece (AJ loves his)
3. For baby wearers: cut the hole toward the middle to make a baby poncho, and another one about 5 inches above that for yourself. Brilliant, right?

Thanks, Monica, for passing on some great ideas!

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Do you know any simple solutions that have saved you from buying expensive products?